Donkey Kong theories going beyond headcanons.

Sunday, 4 November 2012

On the Northern Kremisphere

The Northern Kremisphere is a landmass presumably north of Donkey Kong Island. Its flora and fauna is a lot different from the usual jungle scenery and can be compared to the colder regions of Europe. It has woods, most notably Kremwood Forest, and has mountains with a lot of snow, and the climate is somewhat cold. The industrialization didn't help, either. Various different races of Kremlings, whose colours are more showy and eye-catching than Kremlings from other regions, made the place their homes.

Although it's cold, there's also jungles, and lakes that have brilliantly-coloured coral reefs and fish in lots of different colour. How would that be possible?

There's a volcano, referred to as 'Krematoa', that used to be sleeping until something triggered it to be active again. This implies there's a lot of volcanic activity around the Northern Kremisphere. This might also explain the jungles and the coral reefs. Regular lakes were warmed up thanks to underground magma, allowing coral to grow. This also goes for the jungles -- they're located on places where the magma provides an unnatural different climate, allowing them to flourish freely over certain places.

Monday, 15 October 2012

How the Crystal Coconut got its magic

Let's imagine that, hypothetically, the games and the cartoon are both canon. But then one thing is odd -- the Crystal Coconut that is so much more powerful than all those other crystal coconuts used as fuel for Cranky's contraptions. Well then, I will attempt to shed some light on this subject, trying to interweave all mediums gracefully. Note; this is all purely headcanons, like most things on this blog will be.

Once upon a time, far before Donkey Kong, no, even Cranky Kong was even around, far before DK Isle became colonized by Kongs who fled from the Mushroom Kingdom, Crystal Caves was blossoming. Without any cabins or buildings made by Kremlings because they didn't even knew it existed. All in all, it was undiscovered. Although it was, a certain fuel was yet to be discovered - crystal coconuts. So called because of their similarity to the nut, these orbs held so much power that they could be used to power all kinds of contraptions. There were not a lot of these around, as they all originated within caverns.

Meanwhile, the Banana Bird Queen was restlessly flying around in the hope of finding some hidden crevice in which she could lay her eggs. She found a small opening that was yet big enough to let her through and she snuck inside, finding herself in what would later be called Crystal Caves. She made a hasty little nest where she laid an unusually large amount of eggs, which would later hatch into regular banana birds, the same ones one collected in the game Donkey Kong Country 3: Dixie Kong's Double Trouble!.

Although the hatching progress was long and tiresome, a lone crystal orb rolled under the bird's body, which she barely even noticed. Of course, since the Banana Bird Queen was a mystical, magical creature, this didn't go unnoticed. Her brooding made the single coconut as magical as she was herself.

She stayed there for more than a month. (Banana bird eggs take very long to hatch.) The eggs cracked open and slowly but steadily, infant banana birds crept out. The Queen was overjoyed. She planned to nest in the hills of the Northern Kremisphere, which was at that time still a pure, unaltered wilderness, where her children could go wherever they wanted to.

At least, she thought. She didn't knew a thing about what was going to happen.

A lone Kremling pirate by the name of Captain Quint Skurvy barged into her private inner sanctum, for he knew the bird would find a nesting ground that was hidden within the Crystal Caves, and he also knew the magical powers one crystal coconut would have if it had been 'hatched' by the Queen Banana Bird. Of course, the avian didn't take this lightly. Protecting her young 'uns which she suspected the predator was after, she bit with her beak and slashed with her claws with all her might. It didn't matter in the end, for Skurvy the First was just after the Crystal Coconut. Once the prized bauble was in his possession, he fled and sailed his ship to the outskirts of DK Isle, where he hid it in the mystical idol of Inka-Dinka-Doo. The pirate blood never left the Skurvy lineage, for he was the ancestor of both Skurvy (you know, the one that sings) and Klump. But there's about a hundred years more or less between them.

Let's skip that time.

Old man Skurvy has been dead for almost a century now. Probably hung or drowned for all the crimes he'd committed. He was a pirate, after all. Donkey Kong found the Crystal Coconut which he brought to Cranky. After some investigating the simians knew enough and vowed to protect the orb. Since DK found it, he'd become the future ruler. Although Skurvy's descendant, the OTHER Skurvy, wanted the Coconut for himself because heck, it belonged to his great-great-great-grandpappy. K. Rool also wanted it, but that was because he wanted to rule DK Isle.

Later, K. Rool knew stealing the coconut was becoming a lost case. After it lost its power somehow, he went just a little bit... bananas. Thus, he stole the banana hoard Donkey Kong had been gathering for a while now. DK was pissed, so he retrieved it. The ape got kidnapped himself by K. Rool not much later. Around this time, K. Rool was seething with rage so bad that he investigated about just what made the Crystal Coconut so powerful, so he could avenge his lost time. So the King and his men stole the Queen from her bed, and bound her in her bones. Which were the clouds. The recent industrialization made the banana birds especially skittish, so of course, the brood of the Queen (that were different ones from the ones hatched in the caves all those years ago, obviously) quickly fled and became imprisoned in some crystal caverns close nearby. Only the chants of the young birds combined would be able to free the Queen from her prison.

Only later, Dixie and Kiddy freed her and retrieved her children.

She extracted her revenge on King K. Rool, who ended up hating bananas because of this exact happening.

And the Crystal Coconut? It's lost its magical powers long ago, much to Cranky's annoyance. After this, he began thinking it was all just a game someone was playing. And a crappy game, at that.

Hey. It's Cranky.

Monday, 18 June 2012


People often wonder why I waste my time writing for blogs like this while I could be doing so much more productive things instead. Well, here's the catch; I'm fairly fluttery and lofty-headed, unlike most people my age. My worst offenses of this case are that I sometimes run around with a red cape, pretending I am K. Rool, or hang upside-down in a bunch of monkey bars and say I'm Diddy when I am in company that doesn't mind. Alas, thinking about too much complicated things at once tends to overheat my brain, and since I cannot change my size to suit my mood I am left with intricate stories, theories, and ideas for a game about an ape with a tie.

I do this because it only needs a certain amount of realism for something to be believable. And with that little bit of realism, I try to look for logical explanations. And instead of going for something more 'serious', like Zelda, I go for a franchise that is under-appreciated and to some people, a tad ridiculous at most.

So, one thing that's required for things like this is an open mind. Sure, Donkey Kong Country is just a game, mostly made with the intention to make money, like so many objects made by man are. But instead of seeing it as just a game... Sure, DK Isle, the Greater Kongo Bongo Isle Chain, Kremlings, Kongs, and Bananus goldus flutterii (common banana birds) don't exist for real. But let's keep an open mind and pretend they are, capiche? It's a lot easier to think of these things behind all this craziness.

And I just really love the game's art - meaning; music, rendering, sound design, backgrounds, etc - and its characters, so yeah...

Wednesday, 13 June 2012


I've been enthralled by Donkey Kong games since I was five years old.

Donkey Kong Country 3: Dixie Kong's Double Trouble! was the first game in the series I played. Around that time, the TV show aired as well and Donkey Kong 64 got released. Needless to say, it was a good time to be a fan. Even if I couldn't speak English to save my hide.

Later on I began drifting more towards Mario games and whenever DK showed up I dismissed him as 'die aap' (freely translated; "that ape") and never really cared much about him.

But Donkey Kong Country Returns, released in 2010, re-ignited my love for these games and its characters. I began hoarding the games and merchandise by the proverbial truckload and was now calling myself a fantard.

Fantardism isn't exactly something to be proud of, I'm aware of this. Disregarding that, my fandom escalated into fan art drawing, and eventually into fan fiction and theories. Theories? Yup. Incorrectly referred to as fantalk in the past, it's something usually called headcanons. But instead of just saying DK has a morbid fear of dinosaurs, I try to think up logical explanations for the things that happen in the games, or why they did happen. Or how they could happen. As someone who recently started paying attention to biology, I found out it could be perfectly liable to apply it to a game I love. I mean, c'mon. People write things like this all the time about things like Zelda, Mario, even My Little Pony, of all things - so thinking up why DK Isle came to be isn't that unusual at all.

Instead of discussing individual characters and game-related thingamabobs like I mostly do in BeJungle'd!, in this blog I will be discussing species, regions, culture, and evolution.

I hope it will be worth your while.

-- Renée 'Ribbedebie' Vianen